Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Self Esteem Issues

I know that once in a while every woman feels big, old, ugly, like your ass is sagging so much it touches the ground. And your breasts are sitting on your tummy.

I'm noticing every wrinkle. My skin just looks like an old ladies. I'm 40. When did that happen? Why don't I feel like I'm 40. Every thing has changed so quickly. Just 5 years ago I did not look old. But now I'm starting to notice all the little things. The more I notice the worse my self esteem gets. So, how do I grow old gracefully? How do I embrace my 40's. And how in the hell do I enjoy them when I feel so bad about myself? Why can't I look like the 40 year olds on TV? You know the sexy bitches that look 20, why can't that be me?

I guess if I would work out like the "sexy bitches" on TV, I could look a lot better. I know they work their asses off (pun intended). Every time I say I'm going to diet, I eat like I'm starving to death. If I'm not dieting then I don't eat enough calories. My mind is always f'ing with me. I'm my own worst enemy. My BMI is only 22 but I feel so heavy. I weighted 99 pounds until I was 20. I understand as I get older I will not be able to stay that size but I don't like this size. I know in reality I'm not over weight but in my mind I am.

It's not just my looks that are suffering in my minds eye. It's everything. I don't seem to feel comfortable with anything. There was a time I had faith in myself, now I don't. I was full of everything I just knew I could do and now I'm full of doubt. Does this come with age? I thought I would only improve with age and experience. I've become a self doubting, self critical and a self hater.

How in the hell do I get out of this? How do I feel like the sexy bitch again?